So you know how I can’t stand Oprah because of how she is just this random, middle-aged single woman who is always shoving unsolicited advice down people’s throats?  Well as a random, 30-something woman from whom most people know better than to ask romantic counsel, I’m jumping on this advice-giving bandwagon because it seems like a fun place to be.

So…

1.    Don’t take it too seriously. It really is like buying a lottery ticket.  Chances are that it will end in a big fat zero.  Which, to be fair, you should consider a win because at least he didn’t try to kill you.  Set your bar of expectation way low and don’t prioritize that first date over anything else.  Really, don’t do it.  Think about it like looking for a needle in a big old pile of other needles.   Better-looking, socially well-adjusted needles.  Which are all already taken so you are left to sort through “The Others” like some creepy parallel universe version of Lost.  Which is how you feel as you trawl through maybeillfindsomeonewhoisntbroken.com and then self-awareness kicks in – belatedly – and you stop and think: “Eek!  Is this what guys are thinking when they are looking at the profiles of people like me?”
2.    Only use paid sites. This is a biggie.  Ladies if you are looking for a date that has never been, and can never be, described as “the dregs  of society”, then use paid sites.  If you use free sites you will get what you pay for.  Herpes.  No, not really.  But if you are looking to meet a grown up, show the Internet some money.  But don’t sign up for more than a month, until you get a feel for what sort of people are on the site.

3.    Don’t be yourself. Unless you are flawless.  Then, congratulations -  bring yourself to the table.  But in the same way girls cake on make-up, wear bras that…er… jack stuff up and control knickers that suck stuff in so that you don’t spend the whole run up to the date kicking yourself for not joining that gym years earlier…don’t be you in the profile.  Why spend that much time upgrading the outward packaging only to lump it with the same old internal clunkery.  Fake it till you make it, girls.   And if you are a little bit of a nutter, dial back the crazy (dial it waaaaaay back) and do not mention any of the following:

• Phobias / Neuroses
• Grudges you have held since the 80s
• Any of the things you vehemently dislike. (Like the word ‘milky‘)
• How gross you think nature is – unless it’s on a postcard.

4.        Be who you wanna be. When asked, in your online dating profile, to fill out your body type, think of how you actually look.  And then think of how you feel.    And then lie.  This kind of lie is ok.  You can defer meeting him for a few months, actually join a gym this time or make up an overactive thyroid shortly before your first encounter to explain the “sudden” weight gain.  Or post a 10-year old picture of yourself.  That’s cool too.
5.        Don’t take anyone’s advice – especially Internet people  – about the do’s and don’ts of online dating.  It’s far too intuitive an endeavor to be an exact science.   Although do be safe.  It’d be silly not to.

advice, ignore this, internet dating, online dating