This is an email I received today from Company X, trying to sell me service Y. I am not a fan of direct mail marketing and unsolicited mail is the worst. I wrote back to them asking them to remove me from their mailing list.

***HYPOCRITE ALERT ON***

I’ve sent out my fair share of unsolicited emails in my time.

***HYPOCRITE ALERT OFF***

The thing that got me about this email is it was rather self-satisfied and overly familiar. Not the tone you want to hit when you enter someone’s inbox uninvited and are making first contact.

Here’s a tip about direct mail campaigns: either make them completely generic and don’t even try to disguise the fact that this is a mass mail run, or, take the time to pick out something distinctive about each addressee.

Don’t fall between the two stalls. It’s irksome and readers are unlikely to make it all the the way through to the end of an irksome email. (Much like this blog, one might argue).

I’ve cut out the choicest snippets below:

Hello Iris:

Really? First-naming me? We’re not doing the professionalism thing anymore? This is a hair’s breadth away from “G’day mate!”. Ugh. Not a great start.

I hope that you had a good time at the XYZ Event –

It was alright but do you really hope that? If I came up to you right this second and told you your life depended on your being able to list all your hopes, all of them, would the quality of little bitty ol’ me’s Saturday night experience make it onto your list? I suspect you’re not that bothered about what kind of time I had. And that’s alright. But why say that you are? Strike 1: inappropriately matey. Strike 2: insincere platitudes. Bleurgh.

Thank you for being interested in Service Y.

Eh? I’ve never even heard of Service Y. Instead of congratulating yourself on how into it I am, why not tell me what it is? Strike….

And (I) hope that you have a great time in <city name>.

Three! Strike three! When am I going to <city name>? What for? Why are you thrusting random travel itineraries upon me and peppering your email with references I don’t even recognize?

Blah, blah blah. Details, numbers, stats,

Let me know if you have any questions, and have fun with Service Y

and at XYZ Event!

Fabulous. And you let me know if you have any questions about, oh, I don’t know, cold fusion or quantitative easing.

Best,

Yeah?

<writer’s first name, with no surname>

I give up.